Dear Mr. Barack Obama,
Please return my husband's Swiss Army knife. I'm not sure what you wanted with such a tiny little knife (I don't think it even has a bottle opener on it), but one of your security thugs confiscated it on our way into your recent Xcel Energy Center event. Even the TSA does not confiscate it because they know that even tubes of toothpaste more than 3 oz do much more damage on an airplane. (Fresh breath means more mile high club action.) Mr. Obama, we have already willingly donated to your campaign and my husband has had many hangnails to cut and packages to open. Please contact me for an address where you can send said Swiss Army knife.